Is It True That Opposites Attract in Relationships? (2024)

Why do opposites attract? It's a question you might ask yourself if you've ever found yourself drawn to someone completely different than you.

The reality is that while sometimes we are attracted to people who are significantly different from us, solid relationships tend to be built on shared connections and similarities.

This article discusses why people who are wildly different from one another find themselves attracted to each other, the pros and cons of dating your opposite, and what really makes a relationship last past that initial phase of attraction.

Why Do We Believe That Opposites Attract?

We’ve heard it again and again. But is there real psychology behind the popular phrase "opposites attract" in relationships?

In old romantic movies that we viewed, we might have seen the good girl attracted to the bad boy. Or we may have a friend, a shy, retiring sort, who is attracted to an outgoing and friendly person. It seems to make sense that they’d be a good match.

For example, if a college student studies day and night in his room and is academically driven, we might set that person up with a more social student who goes out on weekends and gets less than stellar grades. The rationale is clear.

We reason that the student getting good grades will be a positive influence on the other’s study habits and the social butterfly will draw the other student out of their room for more fun times.

Why Do Opposite Attract in Relationships?

There are a few reasons why you might be drawn to someone different from you.

Excitement

Opposites may attract at first because the other person seems new and exciting. Maybe the object of your attention is a medal-winning professional snowboarder and you are an accountant.

Or perhaps that person who entered the conference room represents something forbidden. He might come from another class, race, or socio-economic background that is different than the kind of partner your family expects you to be with, for example.

Sexual Chemistry

Upon first meeting, the physical chemistry might be off the charts. This might be evidence of lust. Strong sexual desire in and of itself can be healthy. It can also keep the flames of passion stoked in a long-term relationship.

But lust without emotions, intimacy, and commonalities does not make for a healthy long-term relationship. According to scientific studies discussed below, neither does staying with our opposites.

Lack of Early Conflict

After the initial encounter and you've both decided to date, the ways you’re both diametrically opposed enhances the appeal of you two as a couple. In the beginning stages, the differences may still seem intriguing. That’s because differences haven’t proven to be obstacles in the relationship yet.

What About Couples With Mismatched Sex Drives?

While sexual satisfaction and frequency contribute to healthy, long-term romantic relationships, partners having different or opposite sexual requirements is common. Past findings linked the mismatch to poorer sexual and relationship outcomes.

But zeroing in on increasing and sustaining desire, and working through differences, was proven to be more important than matching your partner’s desires. Study participants had higher sexual and relationship satisfaction as a result.

Pros and Cons of Dating Your Opposite

Let's take a look at some of the pros and cons of dating someone who is your opposite.

The Pros of Dating Your Opposite

To be sure, there are benefits of being in a relationship with somebody who is your opposite. For instance,people who have type A personalities might calm down and feel less pressured by coming home to type B personalities with more laid-back traits.

Other ways you may benefit for a while from being with your opposite include:

• Their strengths complement your weaknesses and vice versa
• You’ll get more comfortable with compromise
• You’ll teach each other new things
• You’ll stretch your understanding and empathy muscles
• You’ll keep the passion alive more easily
• You’ll find more balance
• You’ll increase your tolerance level
• You’ll gain more patience

The Cons of Dating Your Opposite

The drawbacks of opposites uniting date back to early research. In one older study, timid, verbally inhibited participants were paired with critical, assertive partners. The study showed that although they might have been attracted at first, the relationship quality suffered as it matured over time. The pairings became unsustainable.

The study consisted of timid, inhibited males alienated by strong critical females. At the time of the study, society’s reluctance to honor assertive females may have come into play (the study was published in 2003).

We also know the limitations of pairing opposites through other studies. For example, if another’s face is similar to your own, you’re more likely to deem that person trustworthy, according to an article published in the journal Psychological Science.

That suggests that if someone looks like us, we are more likely to trust them, and if they don’t appear similar to us, we consider their character not as desirable.

Recently, psychologists analyzed the combined results of over 240 studies in one. They, too, found that similar partnerships scored the highest. Similarities fell into the areas of values, attitudes, personality traits, and interests.

Similarities Foster Stronger Relationships

Michael Kosinki, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business coordinates a global collaboration between more than 100 universities studying Facebook digital footprints of 8 million people. He co-authored a study published in the journalPsychological Science.

By analyzing the digital footprints people left on Facebook—their likes and what they posted about—evidence showed birds of a feather do flock together.

Partners who are opposite to you in certain aspects like in their taste in music or favorite foods can enhance a relationship for sure. And in the short term, opposites can work in relationships.

Just keep in mind that if partners aren't in alignment regarding many important aspects of a relationship, it just might not last.